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The Gentle Art of Non-Persuasion
There seems to be a kind of response to stress that says we need to work harder, force ourselves to give more, make it happen, cajole others into complying with our needs. I’ve noticed this urge in myself and travelled alongside clients as they’ve wrestled with this one.
Jess was starting a small business providing home-cooked pies for sale through local retailers. But things were not going well. She had advertised in the local press, approached retailers in person with her ideas and leafleted others, but only a few had agreed to take some samples to sell and of those, only one had placed a follow up order with her. Jess was at the end of her tether and on the point of quitting.
Why is it that things just insist on not working out right sometimes? Why don’t people just do what we want them to do? Just for once!...If that resonates with you, maybe you can relate to the feelings of disappointment, resentment, anger and frustration that result from talking to ourselves in this way and attempting to coerce ourselves and others into particular courses of action.
As if to add insult to injury, all that pressure, force and coercion that we put ourselves through in order to find a way out of our stressful situation only leads to yet more stress! Obviously this is not what you’d call an easy solution. So, what is?
Stop
Yes, stop right there. Stop pushing, stop forcing. Forcing and coercion are approaches that do not support sustainability or simplicity. I think the saying goes: “When you’re already in a hole, stop digging.” Now breathe, let out a big sigh and stand back to examine:
Who is it you’re trying to persuade? (Your partner, your child, your business colleague, your friend?)
What would you like them to do?
Whatever your answers to these questions, there’s a simpler, easier solution than persuasion and it’s a lower stress alternative too. It’s called the Art of Gentle Non-Persuasion and it leads to more harmonious and sustainable relationships all round.
A Need for Understanding. Firstly, see what you can do to understand the situation from the other person’s point of view. You will need to talk with them, ask plenty of questions and listen carefully to their responses. What are their needs in this instance? What would they like to happen? Where are the opportunities for them? Observe them too, their body language, their tone of voice and their willingness to chat. If it’s a child, the non-verbal clues could be particularly informative.
Then ask yourself the same questions: “What are my needs?”, “What would I like to happen?” “Where are the opportunities for me here?”
This is not about preparing yourself for a negotiation or about judging the information you receive as material you can use to persuade. All you’re aiming to do at this stage is to build up a picture of what the situation is all about, underneath any miscommunications or strong emotional reactions.
When Jess stopped and took a broader view of her unhappy situation, she realised that she needed to go back to the food retailers and have quite a different kind of conversation with them in order to understand what might work for them. As a result of this she understood that most of them wanted different terms of trading to those she had assumed would work. They loved her product. She had just been making it difficult for them to do business with her. As a result of her being willing to listen carefully to one particular retailer, she was offered the opportunity to run a cookery course on their premises, an idea that she welcomed and that led to some excellent publicity and continued sales of her pies.
Who’s ready to listen?
An important lesson for Jess was to accept that some retailers were not willing to speak with her or listen to what she had to offer. Whilst she had been angry and disheartened by this situation initially, she came to understand that she could let go of wanting those situations to be different and concentrate on those people she knew were ready to listen to her.
Who’s ready to act?
Even out of those who were willing to listen and found Jess’s ideas interesting, only a handful were willing to take some samples from Jess on a trial basis. However, she began to believe that, by keeping in contact with these people and building friendships with those who were willing to listen but not act, she would secure further clients with time.
Putting Relationship and Mutuality first.
I remember reading a very useful book on parenting teenagers where it described the challenges of dealing with some aspects of teenage behaviour. I liked the approach of the book (details below!) because it suggested alternative approaches to doing battle with my teenage children. The author asked “What is more important for you, that you prove yourself to be right on this particular issue, or that you foster a healthy relationship with your teen?” You might also have heard the expression “Make yourself happy, rather than right.” Whether you are focussing on communicating with your partner, your children or your clients, the principles of simplicity and sustainability would support you in putting:
i) the relationship and
ii) finding mutually beneficial solutions
first over and above persuading anyone else of your point of view. This approach involves letting go of being attached to particular outcomes i.e. that you’ll be able to prove your point or that you’ll be able to persuade another to your way of thinking.
The Gentle Art of Non-Persuasion involves:
□ understanding,
□ listening,
□ knowing when to act and when to let go of the outcome and
□ making your connection with others a higher priority than having power over them.
Sugggested Reading (even if you don’t have teens!):
Parent-Teen Breakthrough. The Relationship Approach. Mira Kirshenbaum
Jess was starting a small business providing home-cooked pies for sale through local retailers. But things were not going well. She had advertised in the local press, approached retailers in person with her ideas and leafleted others, but only a few had agreed to take some samples to sell and of those, only one had placed a follow up order with her. Jess was at the end of her tether and on the point of quitting.
Why is it that things just insist on not working out right sometimes? Why don’t people just do what we want them to do? Just for once!...If that resonates with you, maybe you can relate to the feelings of disappointment, resentment, anger and frustration that result from talking to ourselves in this way and attempting to coerce ourselves and others into particular courses of action.
As if to add insult to injury, all that pressure, force and coercion that we put ourselves through in order to find a way out of our stressful situation only leads to yet more stress! Obviously this is not what you’d call an easy solution. So, what is?
Stop
Yes, stop right there. Stop pushing, stop forcing. Forcing and coercion are approaches that do not support sustainability or simplicity. I think the saying goes: “When you’re already in a hole, stop digging.” Now breathe, let out a big sigh and stand back to examine:
Who is it you’re trying to persuade? (Your partner, your child, your business colleague, your friend?)
What would you like them to do?
Whatever your answers to these questions, there’s a simpler, easier solution than persuasion and it’s a lower stress alternative too. It’s called the Art of Gentle Non-Persuasion and it leads to more harmonious and sustainable relationships all round.
A Need for Understanding. Firstly, see what you can do to understand the situation from the other person’s point of view. You will need to talk with them, ask plenty of questions and listen carefully to their responses. What are their needs in this instance? What would they like to happen? Where are the opportunities for them? Observe them too, their body language, their tone of voice and their willingness to chat. If it’s a child, the non-verbal clues could be particularly informative.
Then ask yourself the same questions: “What are my needs?”, “What would I like to happen?” “Where are the opportunities for me here?”
This is not about preparing yourself for a negotiation or about judging the information you receive as material you can use to persuade. All you’re aiming to do at this stage is to build up a picture of what the situation is all about, underneath any miscommunications or strong emotional reactions.
When Jess stopped and took a broader view of her unhappy situation, she realised that she needed to go back to the food retailers and have quite a different kind of conversation with them in order to understand what might work for them. As a result of this she understood that most of them wanted different terms of trading to those she had assumed would work. They loved her product. She had just been making it difficult for them to do business with her. As a result of her being willing to listen carefully to one particular retailer, she was offered the opportunity to run a cookery course on their premises, an idea that she welcomed and that led to some excellent publicity and continued sales of her pies.
Who’s ready to listen?
An important lesson for Jess was to accept that some retailers were not willing to speak with her or listen to what she had to offer. Whilst she had been angry and disheartened by this situation initially, she came to understand that she could let go of wanting those situations to be different and concentrate on those people she knew were ready to listen to her.
Who’s ready to act?
Even out of those who were willing to listen and found Jess’s ideas interesting, only a handful were willing to take some samples from Jess on a trial basis. However, she began to believe that, by keeping in contact with these people and building friendships with those who were willing to listen but not act, she would secure further clients with time.
Putting Relationship and Mutuality first.
I remember reading a very useful book on parenting teenagers where it described the challenges of dealing with some aspects of teenage behaviour. I liked the approach of the book (details below!) because it suggested alternative approaches to doing battle with my teenage children. The author asked “What is more important for you, that you prove yourself to be right on this particular issue, or that you foster a healthy relationship with your teen?” You might also have heard the expression “Make yourself happy, rather than right.” Whether you are focussing on communicating with your partner, your children or your clients, the principles of simplicity and sustainability would support you in putting:
i) the relationship and
ii) finding mutually beneficial solutions
first over and above persuading anyone else of your point of view. This approach involves letting go of being attached to particular outcomes i.e. that you’ll be able to prove your point or that you’ll be able to persuade another to your way of thinking.
The Gentle Art of Non-Persuasion involves:
□ understanding,
□ listening,
□ knowing when to act and when to let go of the outcome and
□ making your connection with others a higher priority than having power over them.
Sugggested Reading (even if you don’t have teens!):
Parent-Teen Breakthrough. The Relationship Approach. Mira Kirshenbaum
Add your View
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Comment by Karen Maskall on April 16, 2009 at 7:52pm -
Thankyou Sally.
When I first set Pledging for Change up I registered it as a "Community Interest Company" which is an organisation to help a particular community, often some local project or a particular niche area for example "helping the homeless in Cheshire" or something along those lines. It seemed rather strange that the community I would choose to help would be all the business out there who are making a real difference in the world,......socially,spiritually,environmentally or however they are doing it. And I knew the challenges everyone of them faced with networking,marketing and so on.
So this network was born and my own challenges were very soon to be realised. You see I have chosen to be the face of the community, trying to be accessible and approachable and I hope never ever in the least intimidating by preaching to the mass about anything. I also know that if I can't help then I can certainly find someone else who can. ( I also know some networks set up and are never monitored or regulated by the owners hence we get spam and other offensive things on them)
I am very open minded ( a quality that I love) and I am not afraid of writing in my own style anymore. The latter is why I say to all members it doesn't matter how you write....just do it. The writing will be understood by anyone who wants to understand it.... and the message and the heart will show through.
I suppose deep down is a dream of a network with almost full commitment. Something that no network has or proabably will ever achieve. Probably only 20% of friends/members on here are active (reasonably so) and many have posted profiles,blocked emails and so on. But there is nothing anyone can do about that. They just are either not interested in any particular network or are part of the group of people who never give themselves a chance to learn and love the real value of any given network and it's people. My task is to concentrate on the active members who like yourself are seeking answers whilst adding value to the whole community and our planet. I think of the quote by Helen Keller "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows"
I certainly do not have all the answers Sally. But I can only give it my best shot.
How do we all climb a mountain together? One small step at a time!
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Comment by Sally Lever on April 16, 2009 at 1:28pm -
Hi Karen,
Thanks for your kind words and I'm glad that you found it helpful. As it happens I have been asking myself what it is I want from my social networking activities, which sites to focus on and what kind of activities to take part in once I'm on there. So, you've helped me too thanks by prompting that question! It's also occurred to me that I'm really not totally aware of all the possibilities and that I find it helpful when you point things out to me/us.
Karen, what stands out for me most here is your enthusiasm and commitment to Pledging for Change. This site has a really lovely feel to it and I suspect that that is down to how you facilitate it.
Sally x
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Comment by Karen Maskall on April 16, 2009 at 12:35pm
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Sally
This is an excellent blog post and has prompted me to add a post after re-think on a particular situation I am in trying stressfully hard to help members with their marketing. I have had to think of many things...why do people do social networking? Why do they blog? Why do they upload photos etc etc. Yet it's no use me trying to work these things out for others is it? I have to simply ask them the questions first. So that's what I have done on my post.
I think people will gain such a lot from reading this and it will be interesting to see feedback. This a must for our ezine "The People's Paper"
Thanks for helping me gain some clarity and reduce my stress levels!
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